All of my life I struggled to lose weight. Struggled with a capitol S! As far back as I can remember I was always on a diet, reading about a diet, or getting ready to start a diet. In between that time and/or during, I was also always beating myself up for not being thin enough. Not looking like “her”. Not being pretty enough, smart enough, my thighs weren’t small enough, my teeth weren’t straight enough, my hair color wasn’t blonde, I wasn’t tall enough, and the list could keep going on.
Every time I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw. Wanted to see something different. Always speaking words of negativity and hate toward myself. Thinking that perhaps beating up on myself would get me the changes I so desperately sought. My thoughts were always about how I wasn’t, never how I was. And I didn’t know any different or better, but the only way I knew how to lose weight and get the results I desired, was to diet.
And it doesn’t even matter why I was this way, or how I got this way. It just was and the trying to figure your why and how doesn’t even matter because it just is. But I pressed onward, trying a new diet every other week and of course nothing lasted long-term. From the pages of Teen magazine all the way to diet books in the library and on the store shelves that I would buy. But again, nothing stuck. But I knew if I kept trying, kept going…something would.
And of course, along with the diets, I also tried the shakes, the pills, the fasts and weight loss everything imaginable products. But the only thing I got from those was less money in my bank account, but I kept going and kept trying. Because that next best thing was always around the corner and sure to come.
At times I would lose a little or nothing, and then fall of the proverbial wagon either the next day or hours later even if I was faced with an exciting eating opportunity like going out with friends or to a place I hadn’t ever been. But of course, “I can always start tomorrow” and sometimes that “tomorrow coming” happened for weeks. But when “tomorrow” stuck, I would lose 20 lbs., 40 lbs. and even 50 lbs. And sometimes, it was different sizes that I went through and was focused on more. Size spans of size 16, to 12 to 8 and even a 2. Plus, all the other sizes in between.
I was an emotional eater. I binged on all of the things…cookies, candy, chips, cake, fries, even when I was already full and feeling uncomfortable. I would keep eating because it tasted good I would say. Or because I was starting a diet tomorrow and I had to finish all of the things so that I don’t waste them or have them in the house for tomorrow. But of course, tomorrow would come, and maybe or maybe not I would start. If I started awesome, if I didn’t I would go out the next day and get more, “because once I start my diet I won’t be able to have it again” and of course I would binge on those foods again because…I can’t have them around for tomorrow when I am on my diet. That horrible cycle that never ends.
When I would binge, I would hide the packages that I hoovered deep down in the trash, never talk about it or draw attention to my out on control eating. It was my secret and one that I would outwardly take care of as soon as I was thin and lost the weight on that diet that I was going to start. I always thought I would fix it. It was OK. So, I never saw it as a problem or even an eating disorder until I discovered that it was.
In public however, I was so aware of my eating. Like obsessed with it. I wouldn’t want to eat at parties or on dates because I felt they would be judging me and would think that I am fat if I ate. I didn’t want to have that chance of someone calling me out on my fatness. On how horrible inside, I felt about my outside. Anytime I was around people I didn’t know, I would hardly eat if at all. I would wait until I went home and binge while feeling deprived. Deprived, because I didn’t eat that awesome food I was around when I had the chance. Feeling more isolated. More alone. And more deprived both socially and physically.
BUT…I had that diet in the sky (that one answer to our diet prayers that we build up that make all the bad go away) to fix me and to make me feel better. IF I could just stick to it and lose that damn weight all of my problems would go away. IF I could just find the right one for me. BUT diets don’t address eating disorders. Self-worth disorders. Self-love and acceptance disorders. They keep those disorders front and center for you to keep staring at. For you to never forget about and keep searching…for that one diet.
In my heart of hearts I knew that if I just kept going I would find just the thing to get my weight under control. I would find a way of eating that dropped the weight, give me confidence about my body, eat in public again, not overeat, be able to wear whatever clothing I wanted, and have the fantastic relationships in my life I deeply desired. I wanted to stop the hiding and be who I was and love that person authentically. Not faking it until I make it, like I did for all of those other years.
I wanted freedom. Freedom to live unrestricted. To be in full control of myself, my life, and my experiences without anything holding me back. I was tired of having fat pants stashed in the back of my closet and having 5 different sizes all waiting. All waiting for me to fit back into them either by losing the weight or “in case” I gained it back.
So…I thought, what am I doing wrong. Why can’t this be easy. Am I meant to just be fat forever. Am I big boned. Why can’t I eat those healthy foods like everyone else and enjoy them. Is dieting the issue or is it me. I eventually decided to go back to school. I figured I was lacking something I couldn’t get from a diet book or from my own personal life experiences.
My life cycle of dieting and being unhappy had to stop, I couldn’t keep doing this and my daughters couldn’t grow up seeing my weight and eating fluctuate so much. I had to know. I had to have a solid answer. And what I discovered was that 100% YES, dieting was my darn problem and that I wasn’t honoring my biology. I wasn’t ever set up to win again this game I was trying so hard to win and nobody told me! Biology, aka my hormones were in control and I was working so hard against them instead of just working with them.
After I got out of school, I had also become a certified personal trainer because I had really found a love of lifting weights, I decided I had to help other women like myself. I had to reach those who are suffering. Who are hurting. Who have been set on the wrong path to their life long desires like I was. So, I created my 12-week program that honored our hormones, honored ALL parts of who we are as women. The WHOLE package. Or, so I thought.
The program worked, it addressed our blood sugar, our sleep, exercise, stress, you name it. But what was missing, was the behavior side of it. The mindset. My thoughts. And so, I went back to school yet again. I became a behavior change specialist and ended up tweaking my 12-week program that is now called my Undiet For Life Weight Loss Coaching Program.
Even thought my hormones were balanced and I was losing the weight, I still came up against cravings and hunger that wasn’t physical. It was emotional. And that my mind was like a mismanaged child with scissors. And that even though I was losing the weight, the weight loss would only stay when my mindset was transformed or “managed”. This was the missing link. The key to ending my life long pain and suffering.
The combination of food balance, hormonal awesomeness plus mindset is the key to full control. A full life transformation. I gained self-love, acceptance, the ability to wear cute clothing, no more fat pants stashed in my closet, one size through out the entire closet, and body confidence. My Undiet For Life Weight Loss Coaching Program is more than a program. Its all of me. My heart. My soul. My whole purpose and passion in this life into one. There will never be anyone else who knows my own pain and struggle like I do. But I know that If you have struggled like I did, you probably can come close to understanding it. And I want you to know, that I love you. I get you.
With Nourishing Love,